Four

June 24, 2006.

Four years ago today.

The Heavens were getting ready for a big party in my honor.

Little did I know, this party would be life changing, and eternity lasting.

Four years ago today,

I gave my life back to it's rightful owner.

I remember sneeking down to the prayer tent so nobody in our group knew where I was going. Up until this point, I had fooled eveyone around me (including myself). I had answers for all the Bible study lessons, I was crazy about the Christian bands that were playing, I told others of my plans to become an overseas missionary (yeah, that was my plan even before I was saved...weird huh?). I had painted a picture of myself that was not myself at all. Maybe it was someone I wanted to be? Or maybe it was who I knew I should be.

I remember tears.

There was a realization that who I was and how I was living was painful for God to see. That He created me with different plans in mind. It was then when I decided to change. To throw off my old self and be covered with Christ and all He had in store for me.

I knew it was God. Not the group I was with or the bands that were playing. Not even the speaker who moved me to go down to the prayer tent. It was all God. He definitely used those people, but they were completely oblivious to it. It was God who used them, to get to me.

He saught me out.

He chased after me.

He made real His chesed love.

 Che-sed (heh' said) [from the Hebrew word "love"]

1. Love that sticks with us even when we leave.

2. Love that never turns.

3. Love that is committed to you in all circumstances.

4. Love that is willing to forgive even the darkest sin.

I know that I could never have that strong of a love, especially for someone who willingly, knowlying chooses to go the other direction.

 

I love you God and I am so much more thankful for You choosing me than I ever let You know.

A Mother's Teachings

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

-Mother Teresa

Hakuna Matata

My Broken Heart

My heart is broken and continues to break.

I drink my four dollar coffee as I research stories of repeated injustice.

Injustice that happens with the amount of money I paid for my coffee, 

and the price of a child's 

purity, 

innocence, 

hopes and dreams.

Injustice that makes me cringe.

Makes me shiver.

Makes me cry.

Injustice that gives me nightmares.

I thank God that is all I am scared of for my sake...nightmares.

I pray to God for those who wish it was only a nightmare.

For those who cry until there are no tears left.

For those who have to repeat their own name over and over again in hope that they will never forget their name because they have been stripped of their identity, 

and are now known by a number.

Those who undergo abuse sexually, physically, mentally.

Those who were kidnapped, tricked, or sold.

Those who dream of seeing and being with their families again.

Who dream of harvesting their garden and cooking their family what little food they have inside of a mud hut with a leaky tin roof (if they are blessed enough to afford a tin roof).

A bit different from the "American dream" isn't it?

My heart is broken for many reasons.

For what theses girls and boys are being put through.

For how unloved and unwanted they must feel.

How alone they must feel.

How scared and how worthless they must feel.

The pain they go through.

The trauma they go through.

My heart is broken for how selfish I am.

My heart is broken as I cry out to God for change in my life.

It is broken as I ask God to help rearrange the loves in my life.

The priorities in my life.

The things I spend time, money, and energy on.

My heart is broken as I drink my four dollar coffee, 

and it continues to break.

I Have A Flower In My Hair

Yay for cute, freshly made headbands with adorable fabric/ribbon made flowers on them!

Yup, I said I was going to make some headbands and these are the finished product.

I love them so much. I think they go well with my new hair cut too.

I feel like a small child when I wear them and that is the best.

=)


Hakuna Matata

Do You?

"Vision is seeing what everyone else sees, but thinking what no one else thinks, and doing what no one else does."
-Brother Andrew

Do you have a vision?

Too Easily Pleased

The other week I decided to take Alaina out for lunch after picking her up from school. Whenever we ask her where she wants to go out to eat she tells us McDonald's. Usually we end up going somewhere else, leaving her quite sad and maybe a little pouty for a moment. So even though I am not a huge McDonald's fan, I decided to give her a special treat this time.

When we got in the van I told her I had a surprise for her but she had to wait until we got there to find out what it is. She was so excited the whole way. I kept thinking, "Oh yeah, number one Aunt, right here in the driver's seat. She's gonna love this."

As I start to pull in the parking lot (while preparing for uncontrollable praise along with giggles and smiles lasting the rest of the day) I look in my rear view mirror only to see a small child with a confused, not so well pleased look on her face. I ask her if she knows where we are and if she's excited and to my surprise her answer was (in a whiney, ungrateful tone),

"I wanted to go to Chucky Cheese."

Now clearly she should have been happy with her special surprise (and after we got inside she was), but looking at it in a different light, she totally had the right attitude & mindset.

In his book, The Weight of Glory, C.S. Lewis writes this...

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Again, Alaina had high hopes. Her desires were strong and she was not putting me in a box by thinking I would not give her the very best, as often we do with Christ. If we think about putting anybody in a box God should be last on the list...or even not on the list at all! After all, is He not perfect? Did He not create YOU and the entire WORLD in which you live? Did he not create your very best friend? Did He not give you all that you do not deserve and more? He is a good God, while we are tiny, uneducated humans who don't give Him credit by imagining He really could give us the very best.

As I try to dream bigger than this world, I hope you join me. And together we can experience the things of this world that only take place on a holiday at the sea.