I Am Only A Child

Sweet face: true
I love her: true
She reminds me of myself when I was little: true
She never has mischievous moments: FALSE

Meet my niece, Addie.
Addie really likes to draw.
She is really good at it too.
I am impressed with the way this four year old stays inside the lines.

Now that I am done raving I do have to admit that sometimes she is so ready to color she doesn't even wait to have a piece of paper in front of her and instead draws on whatever she feels.
Yeah, she doesn't always think things through.

It was probably a couple of months ago when I came into the living room only to find a four year old eying the t.v. and running a pencil across the cream colored carpet floor at the same time. Trust me, some serious "time out" action was taken quickly. Drawing on things that are not paper is something we usually frown upon in this household. But it didn't stop there. It was a struggle to actually get her in time out. Yes, if you can believe it there was resistance on her part, lots of tears, and very loud noises coming from her tiny body.

Although she was not okay with me sending her to time out, it was something that had to be done. I'm sure she thought I was a horrible person for punishing her. Her mind is just too little to understand the importance, and that I am really doing so because I love her and want her to grow into the best person she can be.

When her time out was finished I called her over and asked her why she drew on the carpet.

"Because I didn't have any paper."

Wow, that was the answer?
She didn't have any paper?
We did have paper, it was just in the drawer!
How easy could this whole situation have been avoided if she only would have asked me if she could have a piece of paper to begin with?
I would have given her the paper and she would have been set. Instead, she decided to handle it on her own, resulting in punishment, a lesson (hopefully) learned, tears, and messed up carpet.

I think about this and it's so simple.
Just ask.
That's all.
Simple...right?

You would think so, but so often do I find myself as the child in this situation.
I forget that all I really need to do is ask.

God's Word tells us this...

"Ask and it will be given to you;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you."

Matthew 7:7

Still, a lot of the time I seem to go about it the same way Addie went about the paper situation. I see there is a problem, something unknown, something missing, and I try to fix it on my own. I may think it would take too much time to ask my Father, or maybe I just forget that I can ask or that He loves me so much and wants me to turn out the best I can, therefore He will answer me. I think my mind is too small to understand what He knows and why He does things the way He does. After the fact there may be punishment, a lesson (again, hopefully) learned, tears, and a mess left to clean up, all because I chose to take matters into my own hands.

I say it again, I am still only a child.
I pray to God for Him to work in me and for me to rely on Him more and more before there is once again, a "mess on the carpet" needing to be cleaned up.


Hakuna Matata

Where In the World Am I Going?

Yes it is true!
This fall I am heading out once again, only this time I am going a bit farther...about 10 hours more by plane, to INDIA!!

I will be leaving sometime in the beginning of September, staying for six months, and working with the organization, Freedom Firm (FF).

FF seeks to eliminate child prostitution in India by rescuing minor girls, providing effective rehabilitation, and prosecuting the perpetrators of sex trafficking.

While in India my job will be to be friends with the girls in the aftercare program, love them, model Jesus, and help them with their bead making business.

I am extremely excited and extremely nervous, and even though I have feelings of, "What the heck am I doing?", I am confident in Jesus' guidance. I have been trusting and waiting, and this is where God has lead me. No insecurities or fears are going to stop me from doing what my Lord has so clearly called me to do. I have never realized how important confirmation from God could be until now. Until my flesh and human mind have tried to tell me this is too extreme, too different, too unpleasing to my parents. I thank my Father in Heaven for overcoming my flesh and mind, for overcoming this world and the things that are in it.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33

I thank you for your love for me, oh Lord. I love you and will try with my heart, soul, mind, and strength to do so more each day.

Hakuna Matata

The Second Letter

Dear Sarah,

Have you lost interest in me?
Am I not fun anymore?
Have you moved on to better things?
Was it something I said?

These questions often run through my mind.

As I write, remember this...you are my daughter, one that is dearly loved, and one who will be loved until the end. But do you realize the pain my heart goes through? Do you think about how many tears I have lost? Do you know the hope I give myself every time you make a promise, and the weight in my chest every time you don't come through? I apologize for the anger I sometimes have, though you wouldn't know, you're never around to see it.

I know you love me, at least these are your words I hear. Don't think I don't believe you, I do, I just can feel it more times than others. It's almost like a high, when we're together you're so into me, and it's almost hard to believe you have broken my heart so many times and will do so again so soon...but it happens. We separate, you find interest in other things, they take up your time, and before you know it the day is gone with not a single word spoken in my direction. Don't get me wrong now, I know you have things going on in your life. You have school, work, other friends, important things that need attention. I totally understand that. I am not asking for you to not study, stay up so late talking with me that you miss work the next day, or disregard your other friends. I just ask that you think of me, or at least, at the very least, keep your word.

Now you know I have never let you down in the past, and I never will do so in the future, even though sometimes it may seem like it because you are human and my ways are sometimes too great for your mind to wrap around. Yet still you hurt me in ways we both wish never were, and that grieves me. I know it hurts you too, but still, do you know I am right beside you, crying along with you, wait for you to call my name so we can cry together? To think that someone I love so dearly would give me pain makes me sad, it makes me cry, but it does not make me love you any less. I am waiting here and when you apologize for those times I will be overjoyed to forgive you and take you back.

My heart misses yours, and I am once again hopeful that they will meet soon. Until then, you are on my mind...

With love that never ends,
Your Heavenly Father

The First Letter

Dear Friend,

Have you lost interest in me?
Am I not fun anymore?
Have you moved on to better things?
Was it something I said?

These questions often run through my mind.

As I write, remember this...you are my friend, one that is dearly loved, and one who will be loved until the end. But do you realize the pain my heart goes through? Do you think about how many tears I have lost? Do you know the hope I give myself every time you make a promise, and the weight in my chest every time you don't come through? I apologize for the anger I sometimes have, though you wouldn't know, you're never around to see it.

I know you love me, at least these are your words I hear. Don't think I don't believe you, I do, I just can feel it more times than others. It's almost like a high, when we're together you're so into me, and it's almost hard to believe you have broken my heart so many times and will do so again so soon...but it happens. We separate, you find interest in other things, they take up your time, and before you know it the day is gone with not a single word spoken in my direction.

Don't get me wrong now, I know you have things going on in your life. You have school, work, other friends, important things that need attention. I totally understand that. I am not asking for you to not study, stay up so late talking with me that you miss work the next day, or disregard your other friends. I just ask that you think of me, or at least, at the very least, keep your word.

I am not saying I have never let you down in the past, or that I will never do so again, because I am human and I too fall short. I have hurt you in ways that I wish I could take back, and for the fact that I cannot, I grieve. To think that I have given pain to someone I love so dearly, it makes me sad, it makes me cry, it makes not like myself. I apologize now for those times & I pray that never again would you feel that pain, or the pain I have been given tonight.

My heart misses yours, and I am once again hopeful that they will meet soon. Until then, you are on my mind...

With love that never ends,
Your Dearest Friend

Surrender [Part Two]

"I want to have a life of surrender for the rest of my earthy days."

"Surrender to God - we are not defeated, but sin is the one defeated, eternal separation from God is defeated, death has lost, a life of hopelessness, despair, and purposelessness is defeated."

"Freedom is born in surrender - we are free from the bondage of sin and death."

"I pray for surrender, for Your will and less of my desires."

"Self-denial."

"Submission."

"Surrender."

I was looking through my journal from last year when I was preparing for Kenya & found these words in which you have read above. Looking back, I laugh.

I had NO idea what I was getting into, nor did I take it seriously at that point in time. I remember trying to surrender before I left. I really tried. It was something I felt pressing on my heart, but was an infant when it came to the depth of it all.

That is where Jesus comes in.

I have no clue, but felt the need to continue praying for it, and you know what, Jesus answered my prayers in ways I never could have imagined & ways I never would have wanted. Though things have changed (praise God), I am thankful to my Father in Heaven for working in and through me. Now I truly can say,

"Father, I have surrendered so much of my flesh, so much of this world, and I am continually asking for help to surrender more. I praise Your Holy name because it is now that I can truthfully say,

you are enough for me."

I have realized that living a life of my own decisions, my own desires, my own dreams, is a life not worth living at all. The plans I now dream of are ones that my Father has lead me to. God is leading me somewhere with this whole surrender thing, and I am so blessed and grateful to be in such a position.

While in Kenya, a dearly respected woman I met told me you know you're on the right track when you can say,

"I'd rather drown with Christ than jump into another's boat."

mmmm...those words are wonderful to revisit.

Basically that's saying that even if it seems like following Christ would only hurt us and serve no good, we follow after Him anyways because our love for Him exceeds our understanding or worldly desires.

I love you Jesus. Keep taking my life.



Hakuna Matata

Surrender [Part One]

All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust him
In his presence daily live

I surrender all, I surrender all
All to Thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

All to Jesus I surrender
At thy feet I humble bow
Worldly pleasures all forsaken
Take me, Jesus, Take me now

All to Jesus I surrender
Lord, I give myself to thee
Fill me with thy love and power
Let thy blessing fall on me



Hakuna Matata